Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Feline Waking Techniques by Sookie

My human seems to be taking an unwarranted sabbatical from blogging.  What's her problem, anyway?  She doesn't suffer the pressure I endure daily to dominate this household.
Breakfast is to be served at precisely 6:00 AM and no later.  This is how it was the first day I arrived and now forever shall be.  Weekends? No matter.  I don't need an alarm clock to tell me when it's six AM.   It's a cat thing.  A talent.  We can make the most un-necessary VERY necessary.  It's what we do.
Weekends, though, bear a challenge in waking my humans for breakfast.  I think I have it down to a science.  Finally!  And I've only been here 7 weeks!

1.  Begin with the pitiful meow.  Slow, dragging, and pathetic.  Make sure the human hears you.  It is best to be within inches of the pinna of the ear.  I find this to be the simplest of endeavors, and therefore a great place to start.
2. Stagger pitiful meowing with purring.  The purr should be manifested in full body mode.  "Purr like an earthquake" as my human calls it.
3. Now is where it gets tricky.  With meowing and purring in full motion, begin with the rubbing action, or more precisely, head butting. Head butt with force into the human and any angle possible.  These three techniques combined has a 98% success rate in arousing the human from deep sleep and a 65% return rub (although fleeting) from the human and a "Hi Sook"
4. Aha!  The human has been properly roused from the deepest of sleep and it is time to really throw in the magic.
5.  Continue alternating purring with meowing but add in walking the length of your human's body. Placement of paw is critical in this step.  Each step should be carefully inserted where it will cause the most annoyance.  For example, between the ribs, the ever sensitive belly button, or an eye socket.
6. For an added boost try a paw in the human's mouth with litter trapped in between your toes as a sure fire way to get the human's attention.
7. Strategically stand in front of your human's face so that your anus is 3 inches from their nose.
8. Utilize your razor sharp kitten teeth to attack the human's toes.
9. Eat their hair.  It's extremely important to mix it up, try new things, and above all BE PERSISTENT!!
10. Be so adorably cute when you finally succeed that your human couldn't possibly be mad.



With success you get breakfast, get love, and the rest of the day to rest up for tomorrow.


Suckers.


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