There's Room in my Boat/ On Diagnosis Day

On diagnosis day...... my fears came true. My spinning world came to a sickening halt. My baby, diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, just barely three years old.

Our little family of four was traveling in a high speed jet towards our blissful future of endless opportunities.... Possibilities.

Then someone, something, some force beyond, pushed me and M out. No explanation, no "hold your breath now". Just a flash of light and wind. We were falling and the world stood still. I'm desperately clinging to M, trying to scream, but no noise escapes me. My dreams flash before my eyes.

The jet becomes a small speck in the sky. Before reason returns to me, M and I hit the water. A vast, turbulent ocean, no end in sight. Just M and I, battered by waves, the salt burning our wounds.

For two and a half years, we tread water in this ocean. Over time, we learn that this ocean is Autism. We don't understand how we got there, we don't understand how to get out. Some days it is calm and peaceful and some days it is turbulent and scary. And we tread water. We feel alone in this ocean.

From time to time, we can see our family in the distance. They look concerned but do not reach a hand to us. And we tread.

I am so tired already. I wonder if we will ever be free from this. There are days when I feel like giving up. Sink into the water and sway with the current. Watch the bubbles float up... listen to the muffled, comforting sound of the sea. Let the water fill me so that I can sink to the bottom and rest finally in the dark quiet.

But I look to my hand and see M's small hand in mine. I realize that if I drown, that M does too. And so we tread.

When life became unbearable, the ocean in hurricane, a boat arrived. Barely adequate in size but sturdy.

The angel inside looks ordinary. I somehow wonder what this person is doing out here alone. She smiles at me, takes my hand, and says "There's room in my boat."

In her smile I see peace. In her eyes I see patience and understanding. M and I are instantly aboard. The angel tells me she is from Wisconsin Early Autism Project. She will teach us how to swim and assures us that we will find the shore.

For the first time I breathe. From this point of view, the ocean is beautiful. Colorful, brilliant, and full of life. From this point of view I am not scared.

"This is where we live," I think to myself. For the first time, I am thankful for the detour our lives has taken. Had we stayed on the jet, we would not been able to appreciate the view we are witnessing now.

I know the boat will come and go. I am confident that M and I can swim as long as I know someone will come along and offer us a ride from time to time- so we can remember the beauty of the ocean.

And so this blog is born...... This is about life, raising a child with Autism Spectrum Disorder, successes and failures, and everything in between. There's room in my boat..... come and sit for a spell, take a rest. Let's have a shared moment and gaze at the beauty of the ocean together.